March the Month of Me...

Guess what???  March is the month of my birth.  March 24, to be exact.  As I recall, it was about 8 am in the morning.  I mention this not as a reminder for a birthday gift (I'm positive you've all already gotten my birthday gift, or at least know what you are getting me even if you haven't had time to go buy it yet.)  But I've decided that this month is all about me.

Now, I know it seems like this blog is designed to already be about me, and it is.  But I'm going to use this month to do some posts about myself- the good, the bad, and the awesome.  So get ready.

Today I got to go back to the Clarksdale office that I worked at for over a year.  Back in June, I left the Clarksdale office to move to a closer office, hoping to save commuting time and money.  That decision has turned out to be a very poor one.  Its actually almost too hard to look back upon now.  One thing I've realized this year is that I am really good at avoidance-- especially avoidance when it comes to bad decisions I've made.  When something is particularly painful to deal with, I'll just avoid any contact with it.

For example, leaving Clarksdale turned out to be a very, very bad decision.  I'm  not telling you this so you'll all feel bad for me or anything- its something I went into with my eyes mostly open and my naivety in full swing.  I honestly thought that some of the problems, of which I was aware, wouldn't be as bad as they seemed; or that I would be able to handle them better than my predecessors.  And I greatly underestimated these problems.  Part of it is that I'm too nice.  Like, I don't comprehend that people aren't nice like me- i.e., I would never treat someone that way, so I don't expect them to treat me that way.  I'm not an troublemaking person who just likes to cause problems for no reason, so I don't recognize people like that when I see them next to me.  Until they sucker punch me!

It wasn't long after leaving the Clarksdale office that I regretted my decision.  In fact, I am not sure I was fully unpacked before I was.  Unfortunately, I cannot undo that decision.  So, my defense mechanism is to avoid looking backwards so I won't be reminded of the good times!  I've basically avoided going to Clarksdale almost this entire time.  I've gone a couple times to do some work but I've avoided some of the people that I worked with because it was just to hard to see them.  In fact, it was hard to see all of these people- I loved them so very much.  Isn't that weird?  That I loved these people so much and enjoyed working with them so much than now, it was easier to NOT see them and NOT have to remember how awesome they were compared to my circumstances now?  Yeah, it is weird, but hey, its who I am!

A few weeks ago I went back to Clarksdale for a meeting and was able to see their fancy new office and able to see all the people that I loved so very much.  I was so proud for them to get to see their new office- it was something we talked about for months, nearly everyday-- we couldn't wait to get out of those trailers and into a decent office.  And they certainly deserved it.  Heck, they deserve to work in the nicest office building money can buy, but hey, we will settle for a building large enough to house us all together and a functional coke machine!

On that trip, I went to visit the people at the Chancery Clerk's office.  I had avoided seeing them before because it was just to stinking hard.  And I broke down when I got hugs from all them.  It was a bit embarrassing, but it was also so wonderful to get to see people who I loved so much.  I was just so angry at myself for choosing to leave this job with these people and hate the circumstances for being so miserable as they stand now.   

Today I went back on my own accord to the Clarksdale office and you know what?    It wasn't quite so emotional.  In fact, it was downright great.  Kinda bittersweet- in the back of my mind, during the entire day, I did ruminate on the fact that I wished this was still my job and these were still my people, but I had such a good time seeing everyone and being back, I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I am trying to focus that good energy into a better strategy to deal with the bad energy elsewhere.

Since earlier in the week it was CSEO Appreciation Day, the Supervisor (my sweet friend Ginni) brought everyone pizza and even though it wasn't Attorney Appreciation Day, she graciously allowed me to eat some (FYI, Pacific Veggie Pizza from Dominoes on thin crust is fantastic.  Not sure what differentiates Pacific Veggies from, say, Atlantic Veggies, but still really good).  I got to see nearly everyone I worked with, we laughed and had a great time and I even was able to get a fair amount of work done.  At the end of the day, I went to the Chancery Clerk's office and enjoyed seeing them as well.  As I walked out, right before 5, I thought how great it was to be back in a place where people actually like me, in fact, like me a lot.  It did my heart good.

This job, especially this past year, has been a learning experience in a huge way- probably as much as, if not more than, any other job I've ever had.  Sometimes I'm done with all this learning junk-- its too hard, you know?  I'm tired of being stressed out by my job, give me a job as gas station attendant or something.  But then, I have a day like today and I remember that, even if I'm struggling now, there was a time when I was surrounded by some great people and made some great memories.  And today was again one of those days.