It's a Perfect Day...

Its 2013!  Yay!  I'm so glad 2013 is here.  2012 has not been as good to me as I'd hoped last year about this time.  In fact, the last couple years have been tough on me, or rather, I've not handled them as well as I'd hoped.  But isn't New Years all about hope?  We are hopeful things will get better, or hopeful that our happiness will continue.  We make new resolutions, hopeful they will change our life for the better, or hopeful we will stick to them (this time!). 

This blog has been a bit of a letdown for me this year.  I've not had much computer access for large portions of the year (including now).  I hope to have this remedied soon, but you never know.  Also, I find it really hard sometimes to get on here and act happy, or find something funny or interesting to share when I just plain old don't feel like it.  Last night was New Years Eve, and, much like 2012 in its entirety, it did not go as I'd hoped.  It went spectacularly bad.  I'm not going to get into it (otherwise this blog could be used against me in a court of law.  Just kidding, nothing that major!)  But, when I got home, and climbed into bed with my fancy new heated mattress pad (Thanks, Santa!), I got to thinking about the changes I wanted to make this year. 

Changes have been on my mind a lot lately.  I have had a lot of changes in the past couple years- new city, new job, new job location, new roommate, family changes, personal changes, health changes, friend changes.  A whole lot of my life is significantly different that it was last year.  Or the year before that.  Or the year before that.  I could go on, but I won't bore you (although, if you are bored, then why are you reading this anyway?  Go pick up a real book!).  Some of these changes are simply life; others have been brought on by my decisions (some good decisions, some bad, some ill-informed, some with good intentions).  Blame it on the double knee surgeries with weeks of bed rest and nothing good on tv, but I've done a lot of thinking lately about how I want my life to go from now on.  And one thing I've decided to do is to be honest on this blog.  Use it as a diary of sorts.  Nothing major or even particularly interesting, but I don't always find myself being honest on here.  I skip over things and I ignore things (I'm excellent at avoidance!), to make myself seem more fun, more cool, more normal, more together. 

But here's the thing, readers.  I'm SO not together.  I'm a basketcase.  A lot of the time.  And its something I struggle with a lot-- seems like many other people have it together a lot more than I do, and even faking it till I make it doesn't work for me anymore. 

In the book, You're Already Amazing, by Holley Gerth, she says "When parts of my heart or life don't measure up to my expectations, I tend to hide them.  But what if someone would be blessed by what I have to share and they miss out because I hide it?"

Now I'm certainly not crazy enough to think that anyone's life will be changed by something I write on this blog, but this quote really got me to thinking- I'm not perfect.  So incredibly far from it that its ridiculous.  And I try so hard to hide that from the world.  I've often had a thought about writing different things on this blog but was too afraid of what someone might think if I did.  Not in a hateful way, but more in an intimate way- if I open myself up on this blog, other people can get inside.  And thats terrifying in so many ways!  I mean, what if they don't like me?  Or think I'm weird?  To a people-pleaser like me, there is nothing worse!

Well guess what, I AM weird.  I like to watch Star Trek.  All of them.  I have a co-dependent relationship with my dog.  I stress about work-related relationships and issues that I cannot change to the point it makes my physically sick sometimes.  When I have a bad day, or bad days, you can read it all over my face.  I still beat myself up over decisions I made years ago that I don't think were the right ones.  I often think I could have handled situations much better than I did, and I obsess over those things as well.  I don't like mayonaise, cream cheese or sour cream in their purest forms.  I withdraw from my friends and the people who love me when I'm down.  I struggle with depression a lot.  I have seriously bad road rage.  I have two bad knees and it scares me to think how bad they will get as I get older.  I don't think I've set a goal for years, for fear of not reaching that goal.  I'm scared to walk into church alone sometimes.  I'm afraid to tell people about how awesome my God is and the awesome things He has done in my life because I think people will think I'm weird. 

All of these things make me super weird.  And I've admitted them to you in this very public forum.  Its time I embrace my weirdness.  I'm not perfect in anyway.  But the Bible says "By one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."  Hebrews 10:14.  The Message version is good too-- " It was a perfect sacrifice by a perfect person to perfect some very imperfect people."  So, hold on, what?  I'm already perfect?  Y'all, God has made me perfect already!  So I don't have to worry about being perfect anymore.  I don't have to beat myself up about bad decisions (or even just not great decisions) in the past.  I don't have to front like I'm super cool and awesome (though notice my use of the cool "fronting" lingo.  I really am pretty cool and awesome.  But only cause God made me like this!).  I'm an imperfect person who was made perfect by Him.  Christ is the only one who is truly perfect.  But, Galations 2:20 says "I have been crucified in Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me." So God's got this all worked out for me.  He's perfect in me, and as long as I let Him lead, I'm good to go! 

So, the point of this super long blog is to get it all out there.  I'm making some changes and one of those things will be this blog.  I hope to be more consistent, but I might not be.  But I will be more honest and more filled with Christ's love and unafraid to say so.  Hope you guys will stay tuned!